terrificliar’s blog

What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Submitted by Vee.

Staying in bed and watching movies all day!
I miss having a television in my room. In my apartment at Kutztown we only have a tv in the living room/kitchen area. So even if I decide to watch a movie, there's really not a place where I can lay down and get comfy.
Tis sad. =(

So, I'm on a hiatus from my greatestjournal.
I've used gj since my sophomore year in high school. That's a long time.
Seriously though, I think it's time that I get away from there. There has been so much drama. And it's gotten to the point where I can't write about how I'm feeling, because I know that the people that I might mention will be reading what I write. Kind of pointless, I know.

Thus, I'm here. Vox seems very cute.
And so far the only person I know is Liz.

I'm in the computer lab. My one class for the day is over...so I'm basically free.
There are a few things that I need to do. Who knows if I'll actually get to them.
...the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning (GLBTQ) group here sponsors a meeting in Old Main every Tuesday night. I'm actually thinking about going. I don't know. But I'll probably wait until I go to talk to the people at the school counseling center. Maybe they'll have some advice.

I want to lose weight.
I want to figure out who it is that I'm interested in.
...it's weird...but as a senior in high school you convince yourself that you've got it all figured out.
Then you go to college and everything falls apart.
It really sucks.

Basically, I want some friends. But I'm not really putting myself into a position to make new ones. I'm tired of eating along and never leaving my apartment. I'm tired of being fat and too self conscious to actually go to the gym.

I love my classes, because when I'm sitting with other people I actually feel like I exist. When I first got to Kutztown I thought it was great that I could be invisible. Now it's starting to get lonely. My education professor nominated me for the President's Ambassador's. Theres this big essay and I need three letters of recomdation and all...plus a cover letter. Alot of work. But I'm hoping that maybe it will help me make some friends. Just like going to the GLBTQ thing. Maybe I'll meet some new people.

The scary thing is that my social life now parallels my social life freshman year of high school. Only, back then, I had never experienced REAL FRIENDS, so I didn't know what I was missing. Now...I do. I'm so afraid it will take me a year or so to make good friends. Or maybe I'll never find new friends. There is a possibility.

I mean, look at how badly I messed things up with my old friends. Jeff, Johnathon, Shannon, Nicole, Katie...I'm not friends with them anymore by my choice. At least thats whats I keep telling myself. I don't know if thats true. I wish I could take it all back. I can't. Sometimes I wonder if they're feeling as lonely and depressed as I am. But then I im them or read their journals/facebooks/myspaces...and everyone seems happy. They're so happy with the people they care about/care about them. Why did I give all of that up?

I just keep telling myself that all things happen for a reason. That I am a good person. That things will work out for me. But every day that things don't get better...I lose more hope. If I was such a good person, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I'm being punished. And I don't even know what I did wrong. It just happened. I'm trying something new...where I pretend that I'm happy. When Jeff ims me...I try not to let him know that I'm miserable. It's hard though. Because it sucks. I know I'm not hurting him. But I want to. I want to hurt all of them- because they don't care about me any more. I want them all to hurt as much as I'm hurting.

That's something that a bad person would say.
Ha.
I don't know what's happened to me. 

Four months have made me so bitter.
...I didn't think it was possible for things to change so quickly in such a short amount of time.

Seeing my old chorus teacher on Friday was probably the best thing to happen to me since graduation. It's amazing how some people can have such an impact on our lives. No matter how far gone I am, she can always pull me back up to where I'm supposed to be. Of course, I only saw her for a little bit. I couldn't tell her about everything. I couldn't cry like I wanted to. Instead, I had to settle for a hug- and the reassurance that some people will always be there, no matter how many other people screw me over.

The people I thought were my closest friends have their heads up each other asses.
The only two boys I cared about are dating each other- and don't want me in their lives anymore.
My best friend and I are growing apart, and it's scaring me.
Soon I'll have no one left.

Then what?

It took fourteen years before I made REAL friends. Will it take me fourteen more years to make new ones?

I'm so afriad of being alone.